IT WAS A GREAT CHRISTMAS

Well Christmas day was GREAT. I got ready and wore my faithful basic black baseball cap. (lol). My friend picked me up and then took the 1 1/2 hr drive up to the lake. Very nice drive through part of the everglades then the sugar cane fields. As we drove I was thinking about how i looked bald and not looking like the way I really do, this was getting me nervous. How would they react when the see me? Well, The Bray family were the nicest down to earth people you would ever want to meet. I was welcomed into there home which was filled with Christmas decorations, some of which my family had when I was growing up. I felt welcomed immediately (well I still felt like I was still company but these people were so friendly and nice. That I dont even think they notice I was bald and not looking like I use to. I met DeAnna ( the one that made the special christmas cards for me, She was great, we hugged and chatted like we knew each other for years. My friend had told his family what i was going through, and that I would be wearing my basecap indoors which was not a problem for any of them. (I was brought up that men need to take off hats when entering a persons home, so me leaving it on in someones house was very uncomfortable for me) There were a few other men there that had baseball caps on so i didnt feel so uncomfortable about wearing mine. At dinner which has was one of the best home cooked meals I had in a very long time, the other guys took off there caps when they came to the table, i didnt notice this until i set down to eat. Well I must of been feeling right at home so I took off my cap and ate, the only thing that was said was that I could leave it on that they understood. I decided to leave it off through dinner. As in most families people take pictures in front of the Christmas trees, I felt so comfortable being there that I had my picture taken. YIKES what a scary photo of me, and one for all of us to laugh at when this is all over. I now I have a memory of being with a Family during Christmas and feeling like I was right at Home, instead of a memory of the Christmas of me during my chemo.
TO THE FAMILY AND NEW FRIENDS I WAS WITH THIS CHRISTMAS,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR MAKING THE HOLIDAY FOR ME, ONE TO REMEMBER.

IT IS A MERRY CHRISTMAS

I wish everyone A Very Merry Christmas! I had a big fear of waking up today which is the 5th day after my last chemotherapy treatment and feeling sick, well I am feeling good not great but good. I have also noticed that a there is noticeable difference in the lesions. I have noticed in the past few weeks that some of the spots were getting a little lighter, but today i really noticed a major difference in the color (which is much lighter) and the size of them are shrinking. So yes its a VERY GOOD CHRISTMAS.

My Chemo Treatment

Today 12/22/08 I am going for my treatment, This will be my 4th, and after today will only have 2 more. What a great feeling. However I am a little nervous. Chemotherapy is an accumulative drug so how am I going to feel after treatment, am i going to feel sicker the 5th day after treatment or will I get sick sooner? I had the treatment moved from the 24th to the 22nd. Was this a good decision? I have plans on Christmas to go with my friend (Phil) to his families. I hope, and pray that I will feel great that day.
I also had ordered some special Holiday cards from my friend DeAnna. The two cards I ordered were for special people in my life. I wanted a card that expressed that. Well DeAnna outdid her self the cards were more than perfect, they were OUTSTANDING, ELEGANT and VERY APPROPRIATE for the intended recipients. Thank you DeAnna.

Dedicated to My Parents

Well the parents left, and just to set the record straight I do love them VERY VERY MUCH. However it was very rough having them here. I will explain that. Every other time I saw them I was working, my career was in full swing making good money and looking good. Other times when they came to visit I was taking them out to eat, shopping and buying them gifts almost daily. I was doing everything for them hoping they would enjoy themselves and to make them proud of me. Now this time they saw me I was not only on disability but feeling like I looked it. My friends all said I looked good in my new shaved head. They took me shopping for the holidays and trying to organize my condo for me which at the time I was acting more annoyed then grateful. I felt like they are here something must be wrong they want to do everything for me, I lost my strength that I was holding on to, so I thought. I let them hang my artwork that I been wanting to do, let my mom organize a closet or two, they did more than enough for me. However, I was up set because now i felt weak and felt that I lost the strength that I had. I said things or if I didn't show how grateful I was that they were here, for me there youngest son. They left today, my house is quiet again nobody waiting on me hand and foot, yes I will admit I miss them already. The most important thing for me was setting there minds at ease about me being 1500 miles away from them. They met ALL OF MY SUPPORT GROUP, the downstairs neighbor and her son, my friends Don and Phil, and the lady that offered to sit with me during my chemo treatments. They left here knowing I was being watched over, and that if I needed anything someone would be there for me. That was my gift to them letting them know they do not have to worry about me 24/7. They LOVED ALL OF THEM.

Another Lab Day / Holiday Gifts

This morning I woke up with mixed emotions about going for my labs and having the doctors appointment. First my Mom, was going to go with me, was I ready to have the possibility of bad news in front of my mother, NO, not at all. I stopped on the way to the office and picked up 3 boxes of holiday chocolates, one for the lab ladies that I see every Wednesday, another for the nurses who administer the chemo, and one for the doctor. Here I was giving a box of candy to a group of people who are saving my life. What in the world could I give them it to show them all how grateful I am for there kindness, empathy that they show me, and most of all for doing such a great job in my health care. This leads me to the other group of people in my life who have done more for me then I can say. Those people my parents, and my friends that have been there for me during this time of need. What do I do, how could I show them my appreciation? I am not sure what I can possibly give them that would measure up to what they have done for me. I know for a fact that if any of these people need anything I will be there for them. I would give the shirt off my back to help any of them. I want them all to know I love them, not for just being there for me but for being the people they are.
Getting back to my doctors visit, well good news was reported thinking that my next chemo was going to be on the 24th, and then have 3 more after that. I was told today by my doctor that I was responding very well to the chemo and that I would only need three more. So instead of going on Wednesday the 24th It was moved to Monday 22nd, so I will be on the down hill side of the hill after Monday and only have two more treatments. This is a Great Day. I can not wait to tell everyone.

Getting That Empty Feeling

The past few days have been rough, I was getting very emotional, feeling stressed and getting that empty feeling inside. A number of things may have triggered this. The arrival of my parents having them see me, getting a close friend of mine up set with me and the risk of maybe loosing that friend. The way I look how could anybody want to be seen with me. However, my friends said that they see me, the real me, and the person inside. How can they see that when I dont, I know he is in there but when I look in the mirror I see this stranger. All this and no-one to talk to about it. I felt so alone. At times I felt myself feeling lost and empty inside. I want to put all this behind me and get over these treatments as soon as possible, and back to the person I am. The Happy Out Going, Caring, Loving Man that I am and I have a lot of Love to give. I guess I am feeling I will never have that special person to give the love. How could I with the way I look. I have to remind myself this is temporary and I will be back to the Jeff I was -I am. I want everyone to know I WILL. To the people in my life that know this about me and remind me of this daily, THANK YOU, I AM NOT SURE WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU. I am have grateful that I have you all in my life and to accept the love that I can give.

When Parents Come Visit

I knew the parents were coming and I was glad they were, thought t would be great. When they arrived and we picked them up all was good, no emotional breakdowns from anyone. However the following night was a different story. I wanted to take the parents to meet my two friends that have been GREAT caring for me in the times of need. It was suppose to be a nice evening after dinner we would head over to another two friends for coffee and pastries. After them getting here I felt I lost my inner strength here was my parents in my home not on vacation but just for me, that's when i realized i was sick and going through something serious. I didn't feel like the strong man anymore i felt more like the little kid that needed to be cared for. I was feeling overwhelmed and getting emotional the whole day. During dinner I wanted to toast to the 4 people who are the most important to me in my life, Mom, Dad, Don and most of all Phil, but I could not finish without breaking down. I want them all to know how much I appreciate all they have and are doing for me.
The following day physically i was feeling great and then realized why was i being so emotional. It was my parents being here, the much wanted, expexcted and needed visit from them. Them being here is a constent reminder I was sick. So no matter how I was feeling I would know i was sick, they were here to take care of me, be the caring parents they were when i was growing up.
I expressed to them what I was feeling and why i was so emotional and they understood, but no matter what they were here to see me. Things are good i am feeling strong again, I went to the gym and had a good workout and even feel it today. Life goes on people will care, and its alright to get emotional at times and let it out.

Quote of The Day

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." - John Homer Miller

Maintaining Physical & Emotional Strenght

While I was in the doctors office yesterday waiting for my blood count i found a brochure "Cancer and Nutrition" this pamphlet listed the most comon side effects we exprience, coping tips, and suggest products that we can take to to Help. I highly suggest checking it out.
http://www.nestlenutritionstore.com/cancer.asp

It is very important to eat correctly for a number of reasons. Eating correctly will ensure you get your daily required amount of vitamins and nutrients that your body needs. Especially going through these treatment. I am sure your doctor will suggest vitamin supplements you can take. My doctor told me to take Magnesium, Calcium, and a B-complex, this is suppose to help me with the signs of the nerve damage I have been experiencing in my feet and finger tips. Another reason every body needs a certain amount of nutritious calories to maintain a healthy weight. My trainer Phil knew what I weighed and what I needed to do to get back to that desired weight. So to prevent me from loosing anymore weight while under treatment he created a 7 day diet plan that includes all the calories my body needs to maintain a healthy body weight. Go to his site for a FREE SAMPLE DIET, go to this page and scroll down to the bottom and click on one of the seven day diet plans and save it to your computer, also to let you know ALL THE E-BOOKS on that page are FREE down load one or all of them. If you would like a customized diet plan whether it be for Maintaining, Loosing, or Gaining Weight he can do that also. I am currently on a diet plan strictly for maintenance, however once my treatments stop and I am changing my diet plan to gaining. I want to get back to the 19o I was before this all happened.

I have been very lucky with my emotional strength. I am not trying to say I am handle these treatments easy or taking it like a man. I did my crying, feeling sorry for myself, and sometimes even suicidal. I realized I needed to accept the help and support of my FAMILY and FRIENDS. PLEASE DO, swallow that pride you had all your life, let yourself cry and I mean CRY let it out, express your feeling. I have and still do, and will continue to do so and I feel BETTER ABOUT MYSELF EVERYDAY.
This last part was hard for me to complete, not everyone knew how bad I was feeling at times. (they will now) I encourage fellow chemo patients and all readers please make comments for this will help me with my daily blog entries. Thank You, Jeff

Going For Weekly Lab Work

Today I went for my labs to get my white and red blood cell count. It is important to know this because the treatments effect the blood count and if the white cell count is low the treatments have to be changed or discontinued. I was nervous because I am HIV+ and already have a weakened immune system and have already had 3 treatments behind me, there was concern.

However, I have had more good days than bad and felt everything would be fine. Thank goodness the nurse reported to me that my "blood count was perfect and to get out of here." I responded by saying "you don't have to tell me twice."

If you would like to read about how chemo effects your body and blood counts click here:
Chemotherapy And White Blood Cell Counts

The Holiday Season

Happy Holidays Everyone, as you all can imagine this is not the best time of year for some people, especially if your going through chemotherapy.
Not up to shopping for your loved ones and friends. The added stress and the financial strain it puts on our wallet. What to do? I wish I knew. First there is the party invites that you get invited to, in my stage I never know how I am going to feel from one day to the next.
How can I show my appreciation to the the special people in my life? I want to express to them gratitude. Is a card, a home cooked meal enough? I wish I knew.
I guess I would like to express to some and you know who you are, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR BEING THERE. More to come on this subject. Until then if anyone is looking for a special card or some very nice hand made jewelry that you can buy on line, Please check out my friends site. click here to see: The Holiday Season

Family During Chemo

This is probably the hardest to discuss. At my age when you suppose to be there for your parents, and relatives, now you find them worrying about you. Something that you don't wish on anyone. My parents and the rest of the family live in the north east Long Island New York. They have always seen me as the fun outgoing person. That changes, with this treatment well it has for me. My parents are arriving this Saturday, it will be the first time they see me without hair and looking on the frail side. I hope i can keep it together and have the strength to hold back the tears once I see them. Then there is my Aunt, she has gone through chemo, raised two children and worked during most of it. Talk about a woman that may not look strong but to me she is a woman HERCULES. I did not realize what she went through, it is amazing. Today she is cancer free for a number of years and looks great. I love her so much for being a rock for me and my parents. My brother Don and his family also have been very supportive, they call daily and try to get me to move up there, however Fort Lauderdale is my home. Of course then we all have ex's in our lives who happen to have current partners, my ex Bob and his new partner Troy have been extremely supportive, offering so much help and support during this treatment. Troy is current partner has brought over soup, and has offered on a number of occasions to cook for me. Thank God for them I had a place to go on Thanksgiving. Then there is the cousins, and nieces that I have, all wanting to see me, and visit. However, I would not want them to see me this way and would prefer to have them see me at my best when this is all over. I have a loving family, and would not changed any of them. I LOVE ALL OF YOU.

MY PERSONAL SUPPORT TEAM

I came home and found an oncologist and started treatments, then connected with my personal support group. If I can not stress enough how important that is TRUST ME it is one of the most important things to have next to having the chemo treatments. One of the hardest parts of this was that when I usually was the one offering help and assistence to someone in need, NOW I was was being offered the help and assistance, First of all is my neighbor Cecilia she is the most heartwarming woman you would want to know. Her and and son Will, have taken me to get my treatments and picked me up afterward s, they put asided there lives to assist me in my time of need. I also reconnected with some friends that I had when before I left, they offered help and assistance during my treatments, however I have found out that some people say that because thats what they are suppose to say. Surpriszing me the most was a nother group of Very Special People that enetered my life. One of these was a Body Builder that I knew from the gym Ron, a day does not go by that i dont recieve a phone call from him. It is so heartwarming to receive these phone calls from someone I hardly knew. Another friend is Don, he has been great, he is the type of person just to tell you shut up and get over it, but for somereason we laugh and laugh so much together, thats it refreshing not to have someone watching what they say they just tell you like it is and then say get over it, lets go eat. Last but not least is my trainer, Phil Bray, He has spent the most time with me since I started my treatments, I never had a friend that I was able express my feeling as much as i can with him. He lets me cry, and does not judge me in anyway. I can go on and on about him and the rest, but I may get to emotional. I will say one thing I know who my TRUE FRIENDS ARE. Another heart warming encounter I had was with a neighbor that i never spoke to before. She was leaving the oncologist office as i was going in for my treatment, we said hello and spoke briefly. The next time i saw here we were both home in our complex and we spoke again, here is a woman maybe in here 70's that was offering to come sit with me for the 4hrs during my treatments, and we really didnt even know each other. I would not conflict that on anyone but it was so heartwarming I went up stairs and started to cry. My friend Phil was there and he thought something was wrong. It took me sometime to tell him what just happened that this woman I hardley know was offering to do that for ME. He held me and said Jeff after all the times you offered people help, now its time for you to accept it. There is nothing wrong to saying YES I need your Help, your Comforting, your Comfort, your Company, and Guidence. These people are true ANGELS and I am so HAPPY TO HAVE THEM IN MY LIFE FOR EVER.

My Finger Tips Feel Funny

If your feeling like you have pins and needles in your fingers and feet, it may be the first sign of nerve damage from the chemotherapy treatments. PLEASE call you doctor and inform them of this new side effect your experiencing, When I did my doctor wanted to stop treatment for that day, which i begged them not to. During treatments I loss feeling in my left hand the one that having the chemo injected. The nurses gave me blankets and gloves to wear for the remainder of the treatment. The rest of the night i kept my hands and feet warm and covered, by the next morning the funny feeling in my hands and feet were gone. I was not able to find an article as of yet that i think would be helpful to all. Please search for : Nerve damage from chemotherapy, if I should find an informative article I will add the link.

Find the Courage

I feel lonely at times and depressed, however I have found talking about it and posting to my blog to be the most helpful. I am so great full to have such good friends and family members around me.
Finding the courage within is only half the battle.....it's getting the courage to tell someone exactly what you feel that's the real challenge.

click here to read full article: Find the Courage

I Lost My Hair

I was told, so I was expecting it. So why was I so upset? The nurses at the office suggested to have a head shaving party, some said just cut it off before it falls out. I waited until it started to fall out unfortunately it did not take long. My hair started coming out with 10 days after my first treatment. I immediately called my friends for support and a shoulder to cry on. They came they buzzed the hair off and there i was bald (Yikes). Instead of staying in and being depressed about it, I showered and changed and went to the gym to meet my personal trainer Phil Bray.
I wore my new look like a sign of courage, we can not hide our hair loss, people know and they understand. If anything i have found, my friends, neighbors and even strangers looking at me not in a distant way but in a way to tell me they knew what I was going through and were giving me the look that your going to be OK, and your hair will grow back. My best personal advice is to lean on your friends, get use to your new look and have plenty of baseball caps.

Click here for full article: I Lost My Hair

Understanding Nausea During Chemotherapy

A new study from the Monell Center increases understanding of the biological mechanisms responsible for the nausea and vomiting that often afflict patients undergoing chemotherapy. The findings could lead to the development of new approaches to combat these debilitating side effects.

"By increasing knowledge of what causes the nausea and vomiting that accompany chemotherapy treatment, we move closer to providing patients with less traumatic and hopefully more effective drug treatment regimens," said lead author Bart De Jonghe, PhD, a Monell physiologist.

Click here to read full article: Understanding Nausea During Chemotherapy

Chronic Diarrhea Related to Chemotherapy

EmedTV.com has information on Chemotherapy Related Diarrhea.

Chemotherapy can cause diarrhea when the drug affects the cells lining the intestine.There are several ways to control chemotherapy-induced diarrhea, such as drinking plenty of liquids, eating small amounts of food throughout the day, and eating low-fiber foods. If you are undergoing chemotherapy and diarrhea continues for more than 24 hours, or if you have pain and cramping along with the diarrhea, call your healthcare provider.

click here to read full article: Chronic Diarrhea Related to Chemotherapy

Do you know the difference between normal fatigue and chemo related fatigue?

If you are fighting cancer, chances are you're also fighting fatigue. Fatigue is the most common side effect of cancer treatment, and it often hits without warning. Everyday activities -- talking on the telephone, shopping for groceries, even lifting a fork to eat -- can become daunting tasks.

click here to read the full article: Do you know the difference between normal fatigue and chemo related fatigue?

Preparing For Chemotherapy

Many of the deficiencies and side effects created by chemotherapy can be avoided and counteracted with a little forethought and preparation. Fortifying your body as much as possible in the weeks or, if possible, months prior to beginning therapy may increase your ability to deal with some of the more uncomfortable side effects.

Vitamin C May Blunt Effect Of Chemotherapy

Cancer Patients Improve Physical Performance And Reduce Fatigue With Exercise Programs

A three-week program of walking and muscle strengthening exercise significantly improved physical functioning and reduced fatigue in people with a range of cancers and persistent fatigue, a study has shown.

More than two-thirds (70%) of cancer patients have fatigue during chemotherapy and radiotherapy or after surgery. The problem can last for a long time, continuing for months after treatment, even in patients in complete remission from their cancer.

Click here to read the full article: Cancer Patients Improve Physical Performance And Reduce Fatigue With Exercise Programs