A Special Thank You

I want to dedicate this entry to ALL OF THE GREAT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

This was one of the most trying and difficult times of my life. I had days that I just wish it was over. Thank you to the people who kept me in there prayers or added me to them, and who have supported me in many different ways

Thank you to my FAMILY, (this includes the family members I reconnected with that live out in California), my neighbors, and my friends, the re-acquainted ones as well as the new ones.
It is because of all of you that I remained healthy and positive, throughout this ordeal.
You all have no idea how much your assistance during this time no matter what form it came in helped me.

The phone calls and emails with words of encouragement and to see how I was coping and feeling. The time that some of you took out of your own life's to be with me during this difficult time and to drive to and from the treatments, the food some of you brought to me (please keep bringing. LOL only joking), to some of you that would not let me stay home and wallow that made me get out, to my friends family that let me spend Christmas Day with them and made me feel like family, to the person who was there during this entire treatment and remained by my side during the lost of hair, weight, my tan, and looks and my depressed moments. I can not thank you enough.

I had would not have made it through this if it was not for all of YOU. Thank you, so much for being there.

I Love You All,
Jeff
To the people who I do not know that have been following my blog please send me your name and email so I may send you a personal thank you.

Great News, and Bad News All Within 5mins

Yes the day started out great, the weather was warming up it was clear blue skies. Today is going to be my last day of chemo treatment, so my usually feeling of being depressed when I went to my treatments, today was lets get there and get it over with.
I knew that tomorrow was going to be my first day of getting my life back. This included gaining the weight that i lost from being on the chemo, getting my built back, and focusing on my personal life. What more can I ask for, I felt great. It is also my birthday this Saturday and I am hoping its a great weekend.
During my visit today with my doctor (who is great) she was very happy with the results of the treatments, the healing of them, we spoke and it was great. I asked her some questions, When can I go back to the dentist, can I go to my dermatologist, and when can I get another tattoo. The tattoo is for my back, for the people that know me, they understand why on my back, for the rest of you, it is mainly to cover scares I got from getting sever cystic acne which left a lot of scares and being the vain person that I am getting a tattoo is a cheaper way to try to hide them, other means from the dermatologist I can not afford. Plus as some of you know I have several tattoos already so i guess you can say I like them. Well I can proceed with everything in three weeks.
I am sure you all are thinking what is so bad about all that.
The bad news is after the doctor realized how sensitive about my looks and appearance, she told me that some of the spots from the KS will disappear completely, some will only fade (which I can handle because knowing that my skin color is normally like what I look like in my pictures that will hide any if any spots remain.) So far it still was not that bad, but however she continued and proceeded with her dialog with me. "Lets hope this does the job and its stops the KS, but Jeff this is not a cure it could come back and we will have to do the chemo again or some other means. " My doctor kept the conversation positive, continued added that I'm a good looking man and when with my hair growing back in (white) she said that with my blue eyes I will look more handsome, or if i kept the Kojak look that will also work great for me. (she is so kind. LOL) I sat there and was truly in shock and the feeling of despair like I was hit with a ton bricks. I kept my feelings hidden (until now that is) and went into the other room for my last %$#& chemo treatment.
As always they start with some form of medication to prevent getting sick and some really good benedryl, well for some reason today I got really high from that, I decided I was going to enjoy the ride while it lasted. I guess I was trying to forget about the news from my doctor. And I did.
I decided I am going to stay positive proceed in getting my life, body and looks back no matter what it takes. First thing dentist (thanks Mom) she is big on dental hygene I get it from her, my body which I already started and now knowing that I have no more treatments going to hit the gym harder and more frequently, and getting my tattoo, so the search for a tribal design has started for my back (anyone have any suggestions or ideas). Then the tan which will only take one good weekend at the beach or pool, but thinking also getting away for a long weekend, this will get two things done at once, work on tan and the need to get away. I really can not afford any extras but when you know you need something that makes you feel good and we all know when we feel good, we show it, the people around us know it and some will benefit from it. SO LIFE GOES ON AND I AM GOING TO LIVE AND ENJOY IT.
Jeff

Its Almost Over or Is It?

Its been awhile since adding to my blog, most of the reason was not sure if I wanted to add anything negative. However, negative or not I have decided to add to it today.

This past week I had a chemo treatment, this was the next to last one that I will have. I did not get sick, but I did feel out of it and tired for the remainder of the week. I tried to hide the fact that I was not feeling well to my friends and family, I am not sure if I did such a good job of it. However, today I feeling fine and looking forward to my last treatment on February 9th this is 5 days before my 46th birthday.
I also had my regular doctors visit to review my lab work. This was getting me nervous I was told by the oncologist that my viral load and t-cell count would most likely change for the worse. I was not prepared for that at all. I went to my doctors visit and to my surprise all my counts were great, I still had an undetectable viral load and t-cells were still above the danger zone. I was very happy to get this news.
I am very happy that this is almost over and i am looking forward to getting my life back. However, I will always have this feeling of something else may go wrong in my life. I will try to stay positive and hope for the best.

Happy New Year or is It?

Here it is 2009, I am going into the new year with a very positive attitude. I have only two treatments of Chemo left and then it will be all over. I will look at this past year as a test to my ability and being able to cope with things that I am confronted with. However I still wonder is it going to be over, or not. Will the KS be cured and stay away or will it come back? I will have the reminder of the KS for some time after the treatments, and will still have explain to some what I had and went through. I will try to go on with my life as if i had no worries, but to be honest I have not done that since I found out I was HIV positive.
My good friend and I will be hitting the gym full force, and we promised each other to that we will push each other and watch over one another. I was told that I will have my muscle and body weight back and then some in know time. My heart, body and soul is committed to being the man that I was before this all happened. A friend of mine said to me that they were impressed with the way I am handling all this. What my friend does not know is that when I am alone I feel very alone and worry about the KS, and wonder what else could happen to me. I guess I am glad that my worries and concerns don't show to others and I will try to keep it this way. However, I am sure I will have my weak moments and get upset from time to time. I promise to myself, my family and friends that I will be the Happy Outgoing Person in 2009 that I once was, and I plan to stay that way.
I WISH EVERYONE A VERY HAPPY & HEALTHY NEW YEAR, Lets us all ROCK in 2009.

IT WAS A GREAT CHRISTMAS

Well Christmas day was GREAT. I got ready and wore my faithful basic black baseball cap. (lol). My friend picked me up and then took the 1 1/2 hr drive up to the lake. Very nice drive through part of the everglades then the sugar cane fields. As we drove I was thinking about how i looked bald and not looking like the way I really do, this was getting me nervous. How would they react when the see me? Well, The Bray family were the nicest down to earth people you would ever want to meet. I was welcomed into there home which was filled with Christmas decorations, some of which my family had when I was growing up. I felt welcomed immediately (well I still felt like I was still company but these people were so friendly and nice. That I dont even think they notice I was bald and not looking like I use to. I met DeAnna ( the one that made the special christmas cards for me, She was great, we hugged and chatted like we knew each other for years. My friend had told his family what i was going through, and that I would be wearing my basecap indoors which was not a problem for any of them. (I was brought up that men need to take off hats when entering a persons home, so me leaving it on in someones house was very uncomfortable for me) There were a few other men there that had baseball caps on so i didnt feel so uncomfortable about wearing mine. At dinner which has was one of the best home cooked meals I had in a very long time, the other guys took off there caps when they came to the table, i didnt notice this until i set down to eat. Well I must of been feeling right at home so I took off my cap and ate, the only thing that was said was that I could leave it on that they understood. I decided to leave it off through dinner. As in most families people take pictures in front of the Christmas trees, I felt so comfortable being there that I had my picture taken. YIKES what a scary photo of me, and one for all of us to laugh at when this is all over. I now I have a memory of being with a Family during Christmas and feeling like I was right at Home, instead of a memory of the Christmas of me during my chemo.
TO THE FAMILY AND NEW FRIENDS I WAS WITH THIS CHRISTMAS,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR MAKING THE HOLIDAY FOR ME, ONE TO REMEMBER.

IT IS A MERRY CHRISTMAS

I wish everyone A Very Merry Christmas! I had a big fear of waking up today which is the 5th day after my last chemotherapy treatment and feeling sick, well I am feeling good not great but good. I have also noticed that a there is noticeable difference in the lesions. I have noticed in the past few weeks that some of the spots were getting a little lighter, but today i really noticed a major difference in the color (which is much lighter) and the size of them are shrinking. So yes its a VERY GOOD CHRISTMAS.

My Chemo Treatment

Today 12/22/08 I am going for my treatment, This will be my 4th, and after today will only have 2 more. What a great feeling. However I am a little nervous. Chemotherapy is an accumulative drug so how am I going to feel after treatment, am i going to feel sicker the 5th day after treatment or will I get sick sooner? I had the treatment moved from the 24th to the 22nd. Was this a good decision? I have plans on Christmas to go with my friend (Phil) to his families. I hope, and pray that I will feel great that day.
I also had ordered some special Holiday cards from my friend DeAnna. The two cards I ordered were for special people in my life. I wanted a card that expressed that. Well DeAnna outdid her self the cards were more than perfect, they were OUTSTANDING, ELEGANT and VERY APPROPRIATE for the intended recipients. Thank you DeAnna.